Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
