the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
