I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Two words: nipple clamps
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