Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
