okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
