sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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