I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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