I hate all girls vehemently.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
