guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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