i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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