I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
