I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize