THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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