my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
