I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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