Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
