YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
