i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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