I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
