dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
