You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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