what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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