Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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