so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just gift wrapped bread.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
