Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
