Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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