we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
