When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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