I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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