yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
