We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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