Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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