i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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