I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
