hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
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