i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
