hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
