drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I need water and some morals
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
