the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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