If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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