she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
