Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize