You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
