He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
