My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
