did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
