theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
