At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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