i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
