I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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