There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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