I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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