Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
