She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she smelled like a LAN party
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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