Betty ford says i'm here all night
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
