theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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