Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
