sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
