you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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