So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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