You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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