I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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