I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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